Hi. I’m back.
Well, sort of. Maybe. I think.
Lately, there have been a lot of life things going on around me (global pandemic, potential war, ministry “growing pains”, child activities-just to name a few) and I have found myself yet again in that place where I have been asking myself if the things I do really matter or if any of it means anything at all. One thing I know is that I have always enjoyed writing. I don’t really know why but I have. The problem is lately every time I sit down to type out anything that I feel like might have some impact or meaning I just feel like everything has already been said, or that I’m stupid for even considering sharing anything because I really don’t have anything of value to contribute.
I have often struggled with this perception that I don’t have much of worth to share with the world. Especially since I finished my degrees and then proceeded to not use them in any real capacity. Others will tell me that I use my degrees every day but I frankly think that is placating. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any desire to be out in the work force and I know that mine and my husband’s convictions for me to be home raising our kids and homeschooling them is exactly where I am supposed to be. So mostly, what I think I am experiencing when I look at my diploma is a strange version of buyers remorse. You know, that feeling you get when you spend WAY too much money on something that can’t be returned and now you just wish you would have slept on that purchase decision just a little bit longer. Yeah, when I consider my degree that is how I feel.
And I’ll be honest when I say that I am sad that I have that feeling toward my education. Maybe it is because all throughout my life I had this high expectation of myself and my future. I had this idea that I would finish high school, go to college and get this higher education then go on and be….somebody…or something. That I would have the ability to make some kind of difference in the world. And the truth is that I don’t. And I’m not. At least not in the way that I thought I would.
So yeah. Here I am with this little corner of the internet just sitting here doing nothing. And so I guess this is my last attempt to make the decision to do something with it before I close it all down and just walk away. I don’t know where it is going to go and I don’t know if it’s going to work out. But I’m going to give it some kind of a try. I don’t really know what I will be writing about over the course of the next 30 days or so (I may take Sundays off) but maybe inspiration will strike along the way somewhere and I will get my feet back underneath me. Or maybe I will realize that this too is a giant and colossal waste of not only my time but everyone else’s in the world and I will just make the decision to throw in the towel and drink (rootbeer or tea of course) for the rest of my life.
If you care to join the ride I’d love to have you. If you are fed up with my nonsense as much as I am then feel free to let me know that too or just keep on moving along. I promise I won’t be offended either way.
So, yeah. I guess I will see you all again tomorrow.