Welcome back. I know it has been quite some time since I have visited this little corner of the internet but to be honest I, like probably 90% of the world have just really been trying to survive day to day over the course of the last year or so. Between a global pandemic, ministry, home and family I just feel like I have been doing my level best to keep my head above water. And you know what, that is OK.
Now, don’t get me wrong, just because I have felt like I might have it in me to come back and write again doesn’t necessarily mean that I have it all together, but what it does mean is that I might be in a place where I feel like I can share my thoughts every now and then.
The biggest problem I am facing is that I have this deep drive and desire to write but I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say. I have nothing to share because it has already been said by someone else somewhere else farther down the road than I am.
I have come to realize that I suffer from severe Imposter Syndrome. According to my Google search
Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud.
When I say I have a serious case it goes deeper than just doubting my abilities. Most days I actually wake up and struggle to understand and grasp the fact that I am an adult. I spend far too much time questioning all the choices and decisions I am making simply waiting for some adult to come along and confirm or approve or….give me permission….to complete the tasks at hand.
Recently Dusty and I went through an interview process for some funding support for the church Dusty is the pastor of. During the course of this application and interview process we were asked to think over the course of our ministry time. I struggled comprehending the fact that we have been in active vocational ministry for 15 years. When people ask for advice on how to handle a situation within the church or ministry my brain goes blank. I begin to sweat and try to change the subject as fast as I can. I am sure that whatever might come out of my mouth would do more damage than good because I really have no idea what it is that I am doing most days.
Its also no secret that we have been a homeschooling family from day one. In a conversation where discussion is flowing freely I can talk about, defend, and encourage the practice of homeschooling with ease. However, as soon as I am asked a direct question about being a homeschooler or I sit down to write tips, tricks, hacks, or anything else that comes along I am reminded (by my own conscious mind) that I am still deep in the trenches of schooling my own kids and I have no clue what I am doing. Sure I now have a middle schooler and 2 kiddos who are about to move out of the “elementary” years but I also still have a preschooler at home so there is no way I could be considered any type of authority on the subject.
I don’t say any of this to solicit compliments or encouragement or boosting of my spirits. I am simply sharing because, well I think I am not alone in these feelings. And I am coming to realize that even in my most inadequate feelings I have some type of story to tell. The truth is it is more than likely that not a single person will read anything I have to say. And if they don’t, well that is fine too. But it is my hope that maybe if someone does come along and read the words I have to share it might be some kind of encouragement that they are not alone.
So there it is. My thoughts at the beginning of September as I work to figure out how to be comfortable being me. So if you want to join me in my journey then come along.