I live my life 90% of the time in a very negative head space. I constantly ask my self if I matter in the world. I live life with a lot of insecurities.
This semester one of my on going assignments has been to read though a book entitled:
God is my Strength: Fifty Biblical Responses to Issues Facing Women Today.
Each week I was assigned a section or “chapter” and to read through. Then I had to find some biblical principles that jumped out at me that I wanted to embrace in my life. Lastly, I had to take those principles and apply personal applications to my life.
Over the course of the last few weeks I read through the sections on friendships,the section on my God and the sections focused on myself. Next semester I will continue to the end of the book on the section about my home.
However, as I sat down to take another look at what I had written throughout the course of the semester I began to ask myself the question
Is God really my strength? Have I truly been applying the principles that I drew from my readings into my daily life?
As I have really stopped to think about it I am sad to say that I don’t think I have really been taking to heart what I have been reading through this semester.
The biggest area I have been struggling in is feeling inadequate. Feeling as if I have absolutely NOTHING to bring to the table. I have nothing of value to contribute to a conversation, an event, or another person’s life. I have felt for much of my life that when God was handing out the gifts he somehow missed over me in the process.
Then, tonight, as I was reading through my assignments I came across this reminder:
“If you compare, force, or entertain expectations that are beyond your God-given capabilities, mediocrity, frustration, phoniness, or total defeat is generally predictable”
Once I re-read through that I had to stop and ask myself if I was trying to force or entertain expectations that are beyond my God-given capabilities? Is that why I have been living my life frustrated and feeling totally defeated?
The answer: Most likely
I have had a desire for a long time to “be somebody”. I can’t even really tell you what that means but here I am 30 years old and I always thought by this time of my life I would be some high-powered somebody. Maybe that was a high-powered attorney, or possibly a big name child psychologist.
And yet, here I am spending my days arguing with a tiny version of my self over whether or not she needs to take a nap or go to the bathroom in a princess potty chair that sings every time liquid touches the bottom of the sensor. There are days that I don’t even bother putting on real pants. My sweats or my yoga pants are just fine because bending over 18 million times in jeans is not all that comfortable.
I have become a master of buying groceries for my household of 5 for less than my allocated budget more often than not without the hassle of coupons. And once that food is brought home I have figured out how to make it all fit in my tiny fridge and freezer that looks like it belongs in munchkin land with the lolly-pop guild.
And I provide a fun and caring environment for 2 other children 4 days a week allowing their mother to do her job knowing that her children are in a safe place so she doesn’t have to worry about what is going on with them.
So the more I stop comparing, maybe not to someone else in the world, but to what the ideals I had made up for myself were, and I start being me I am able to really see that I may not be some big high-powered somebody in a corner office somewhere. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I am being me, just as God created me to be.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb