When Dusty and I made the decision to move to Texas and go to school we knew that things were going to be tough. We knew that there would be very little time for us to spend together as a family, even less time to spend as a couple, and that money was going to be tight for the next few years.
Little did I know that when we talked about these things our concerns would be the understatements of the century.
I had absolutely no idea that I would be having to figure out how to budget $80 a month for groceries for a family of 4. I had no idea that I would be constantly wondering how we were going to have gas money for Dusty to get to work each day. And I really didn’t think that I would be having do make a judgment call each month on which utility bills actually go paid.
But that is the reality of my situation. That is the life I am living.
And it is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be.
My sister and I have been on this quest to see life in a more positive light each day. I spend my time, when I find myself in a hard situation, trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel. A silver lining to every dark cloud. But today I’m just not seeing it. If anything the tunnel is just getting darker. And the silver lining is so tarnished its starting to rust.
In the book of Matthew chapter 6 it says:
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I know that worrying about these things isn’t going to help. I know these things. However, I also know that flowers die from season to season. And while they are pretty and clothed in the Spring and Summer, in the Winter they are dead.
Does that mean I am stuck in winter right now?
The birds have to migrate South for the winter. They have to follow the food. Do we need to be following the food? Are we doing what we are supposed to be doing? Were we really called to leave our home a year and a half ago and come to this place where things are so much harder?
Is this the plan He has for us.
Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Why does this not feel like the good God has planned for us? Why do I struggle so much to see the hope and the future He has promised? Will I always feel this way? Will life always be this hard?