I live my life 90% of the time in a very negative head space. I constantly ask my self if I matter in the world. I live life with a lot of insecurities.
This semester one of my on going assignments has been to read though a book entitled:
God is my Strength: Fifty Biblical Responses to Issues Facing Women Today.
Each week I was assigned a section or “chapter” and to read through. Then I had to find some biblical principles that jumped out at me that I wanted to embrace in my life. Lastly, I had to take those principles and apply personal applications to my life.
Over the course of the last few weeks I read through the sections on friendships,the section on my God and the sections focused on myself. Next semester I will continue to the end of the book on the section about my home.
However, as I sat down to take another look at what I had written throughout the course of the semester I began to ask myself the question
Is God really my strength? Have I truly been applying the principles that I drew from my readings into my daily life?
As I have really stopped to think about it I am sad to say that I don’t think I have really been taking to heart what I have been reading through this semester.
The biggest area I have been struggling in is feeling inadequate. Feeling as if I have absolutely NOTHING to bring to the table. I have nothing of value to contribute to a conversation, an event, or another person’s life. I have felt for much of my life that when God was handing out the gifts he somehow missed over me in the process.
Then, tonight, as I was reading through my assignments I came across this reminder:
“If you compare, force, or entertain expectations that are beyond your God-given capabilities, mediocrity, frustration, phoniness, or total defeat is generally predictable”
~Patricia Ennis
Once I re-read through that I had to stop and ask myself if I was trying to force or entertain expectations that are beyond my God-given capabilities? Is that why I have been living my life frustrated and feeling totally defeated?
The answer: Most likely
I have had a desire for a long time to “be somebody”. I can’t even really tell you what that means but here I am 30 years old and I always thought by this time of my life I would be some high-powered somebody. Maybe that was a high-powered attorney, or possibly a big name child psychologist.
And yet, here I am spending my days arguing with a tiny version of my self over whether or not she needs to take a nap or go to the bathroom in a princess potty chair that sings every time liquid touches the bottom of the sensor. There are days that I don’t even bother putting on real pants. My sweats or my yoga pants are just fine because bending over 18 million times in jeans is not all that comfortable.
I have become a master of buying groceries for my household of 5 for less than my allocated budget more often than not without the hassle of coupons. And once that food is brought home I have figured out how to make it all fit in my tiny fridge and freezer that looks like it belongs in munchkin land with the lolly-pop guild.
And I provide a fun and caring environment for 2 other children 4 days a week allowing their mother to do her job knowing that her children are in a safe place so she doesn’t have to worry about what is going on with them.
So the more I stop comparing, maybe not to someone else in the world, but to what the ideals I had made up for myself were, and I start being me I am able to really see that I may not be some big high-powered somebody in a corner office somewhere. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I am being me, just as God created me to be.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb
Psalm 139:13
A Wise Woman in Progress 
I'm thankful for your openness! I feel this, ohhh how I can relate to this! There's so many times a day I feel like I should be 'more'. Thanks for the reminder that I just need to be who he made me to be!
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It is hard to remember our purpose when we are deep in the throws of mommyhood. I am glad my words could help remind you of that. Stay blessed. 🙂
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Beautifully said, Elizabeth. You're absolutely right: you may not be in a high-rise or a high powered lawyer, but you're doing so much more. You're enriching a tiny human life. You're shaping her life as she grows, and some day she's going to thank you for that. And that gratitude is worth more than the notoriety anyone can get. To your family, you are a somebody, and that's what really matters. Thanks so much for sharing this with us on #shinebloghop this week 🙂
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Thank you so much Maria!
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